mothers

it's weird that i'm doing this now, when i feel more stressed than ever, but i really think this was put on my heart today while i was riding the train. ever wonder how bizzarely wonderful a family is? i guess especially for me, it's just me and my mom. this is the one person on earth who i can go to and always feel loved--the person who houses me, feeds me, takes care of me, talks to me and provides for me. if i were to go to some stranger's house, they would think im some total weirdo and close the door. but when i go home, my mom doesn't think it's weird that i'm there. when i think about it, we're just two souls of the many billions on this planet. we could be thousands of miles apart and feel like strangers in the world. yet when we are together, we know each other and love each other as if we were the only ones that mattered to us. it's that special bond that i have with no one else in the entire world. i know it seems so obvious, but it meant so much more to me today. maybe it's because i realize that i need her more now than ever before. maybe it's because i realize more of the sacrifice she made for her only child as a widowed mother with not much money. maybe it's because i continue to realize that she loves me more than i think. but when's the last time i've stopped and taken a step back in the moment and realized what she means to me, and how she tries to love me? i need to give my mother more attention... mom, i love you

summer has come and passed...

as summer has come to a close, i've been wanting to write some reflections about it. summers have been the worst time of the year for me during college, since they always just being wasted time. last summer i studied for the mcat, but yet not taking it at the end of the summer; the summer before that, i rotted at home and became one of the many slaves of mike at vega--"training"--trading. i hoped that this summer would somehow be better, but i had no idea how. it came to mind to go somewhere during the summer and use my time in some ministry, and perhaps do some service or study a language. after talking with a lot of different people, like james kim, maria westerhoff, dr. joe ahn, pr. ron, and richard, i thought i would go to one of two places. eventually, pr. ron thought it would be best to go to mongolia. "hmm...great...some of my friends have been there and have all had really good experiences," i thought. but yet, i still felt unsettled. "what am i doing? where am i going...in life?" and so the time ticked down as the semester was soon ending. and yet i didn't have a clear decision/clear direction to go. and so i prayed and prayed about what to do over the summer. going abroad to another ministry seemed the easy holy choice, but was it for me? inside, it felt like i was running away from things--running away from finding personal independence, running away from the intimidating job market that i had never been a part of, running away from working out at a gym, and running away from a struggling fellowship and ministry. and as i prepared a bible study for one of our last club meetigs at school, it felt like God was telling me to do the one thing i thought he'd never say: "stay here." as sarah w. would soonafter quip, "instead of going to mongolia, you decided to work at Potbelly's(i thought about applying there)???" At the time i winced inside, but i still believed it was the right decision. and so i prayed about finding a job. and not just any job: one that would help me get out of my introvertedness and help me talk and meet people. where could i do that? Starbucks. but i've never had a job before. my application sucks. all my references are from church!! but, i prayed with a specific prayer topic. and God answered. when i went there, they said that they had rejected me....it turned out they weren't even looking at the right application. and so without even really looking at my application, they offered me an interview that week. and within hours after the interview, they called me and said i got the job. praise God. and so work began. sometimes as early as 4:30am, sometimes as late as 12:45am. and i started getting money that i could use, whether to get a few badly-needed things for myself, or gifts for those special someones in my life (well, for those in chicago at least. sorry non-chicagoans..you'll get yours :P) it was really hard, though. and i got trained even in the small things like arriving on time, sweeping, mopping, encouraging, smiling, co-operating, folding an apron. and so God helped me in so many ways to be more independent and confident in him. and he helped me pay attention to the small, intimate details of life that i so often just overlooked as no big deal, when in fact they mean so much. and so one set of life problems overcome.... but spiritual as well, i still had a lot of time on my hands, and there's someone who knows how to use idle hands for not-so-good things. and i had plenty of failures. but i also had victories. i got to read a lot, digging into the bible with How to Read the Bible for all its Worth; humbing myself before God in My Utmost for His Highest; learning how to pray with Power Through Prayer; and struggling intensely with Oswald Chambers' Studies in the Sermon on the Mount. these books helped me in a lot of different ways, and i came to appreciate much more the intimate times i could have with God "in the secret, in the quiet place. in the stillness...". during the summer i had a message to write on the end of the sermon on the mount. and it felt like i got hit from so many different angles. i felt compelled to fast for the message, so i did mondays and fridays, the beginning and ending of my week. working at starbucks made it hard, but God helped me remain faithful. and so i just prayed for the message. during this month or so, i met two people who needed help because they were in a financial problem because of unemployment and a recent move, and one of them was on dialysis. and supporting them for a while became very painful. it was hard to keep going on. and even though the money was hard, the hardest part was i felt like i was being used. but yet, even still, in obedience to Jesus i helped them (mt 5:42). God eventually ended it, i believe, but i got a glimpse into the heart of Jesus through it. how he must have felt, helping and ministering to people who would use him, betray him and kill him. if Jesus never helped the unworhty and the ungrateful, i would never have found his grace. but i thank God that he was mindful of me and gave his grace to me unconditionally. amen. and so i prayed for the message, not that i would have the greatest message, but that God would actually speak. i realized that no matter how great my message is written, how sound it is, how mellifluous the words are, it doesn't matter. the work of the message is not my work, no matter what i do. the real fruit lies in the work of the Holy Spirit, which i continually asked to be present. if only i could be a pure pipeline for God's message to flow through. if only he could purify my vocal chords, that he may speak! and that is how i prayed, and i believe God answered. that night of the conference was so blessed, and it seemed like many people received the message with great joy. and so the mcat was the last big hurdle of mine. i didn't think i'd ever be prepared for it. and when i took it, it didn't feel like i really did that well. but i took it, and God helped me do another thing that i never though i'd be able to do. and even though i'm unsure about my future at this point, i just want God to lead. i'm too weak to do anything on my own, but he knows what is best for me and will bring it to realization. God has helped me climb many mountains, and there are many bigger ones ahead that i believe he will help me climb. so that's been my summer. i still have many more things to resolve and overcome in my life, and i'm by no means perfect. but God has been faithful to me, and i rejoice in his goodness. amen. God bless you guys, brendan