i'm back!

so i think richard helped me figure out some of this text/html stuff which seems to have targeted and plagued me for some unbeknownst reason. so i will now begin blogging again after my brief--and i'm sure mourned--hiatus. just something quick, which i will elaborate on more, i'm really thankful that God has helped me become more proactive this semester, and also helped me make some decisions and be confident in them, beginning with dropping my bio minor and taking more english classes--which, by the way, i truly enjoy. so here's just a list of my classes now: biochemistry physics lab introduction to poetry global history since 1500 british literature: the romantic period british literature: the renaissance

:D

It costs nothing, but creates much.

It enriches those who receive,

without impoverishing those who give.

It happens in a flash and the memory of it

sometimes lasts forever.

None are so rich they can get along without it,

and none so poor but are richer for its benefits.

It creates happiness in the home,

fosters good will in a business,

and is the countersign of friends.

It is rest to the weary, daylight to the discouraged,

sunshine to the sad, and Nature's

best antidote for trouble.

Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen,

for it is something that is no earthly good to anybody

until it is given away.

And if in the last-minute rush of Christmas buying some

of our salespeople should be too tired to give you a

smile, may we ask you to leave one of yours?

For nobody needs a smile so much as those

who have none left to give.

the real jihad

for those who don't know, I'm taking an Islamic history class, focusing on the horn of Africa

(Ethiopia, Sudan, Somalia, Eritrea, Djibouti):

I took it because I didn't really know much about Islam aside from what I hear in church and get from what can be a heavily tendentious Christian perspective. My class as it turns out is taught by a Muslim and it's been enlightening to learn Islamic history from that perspective. One novel Sweetness In The Belly, written by British Islamic scholar Camella Gibb, specifically focuses on Islamic Sufi culture (a kind of sect-like, saint-worshiping type manifestation of Islam--very prevalent in the horn of Africa). But the overall message is true for more orthodox forms of Islam, too. One scene particularly stood out, when the protagonist was talking about the violent "jihads" going on in Northern Sudan during the early 1970s. While the events are fictionalized, they are highly representative. Here's an excerpt:

But then came the Sudan, where Muslims of the north were imposing Islamic law throughout the land, killing the people in the south: Africans, animists, Christians. Three days into the Sudan, somewhere south of Khartoum, Hussein and I had left our camp to gather water from an oasis in the distance. Our guide had remained behind, burying bread dough in the sand, when we heard the explosion. The northern army had apparently marked the divide between north and south with land mines. For the first time in my life, I was made aware of the angry possibilities of Islam. That night, Hussein had reached, uncharacteristically, for my hand. 'This is not the true meaning of jihad," he spoke into the starless dark. "Jihad is the holy war we have within ourselves. That is the meaning below the surface. Our internal struggle for purity," he said with emphasis, pressing his forefinger into his chest. "It is the war of ascendance over our basal instincts. It has absolutely nothing to do with others. The only thing we can have control over is ourselves." I do not deny that there is a violent form of jihad in the world. It clearly does and has harmed the lives of many. But that is not the mainstream belief; it's just the most publicized. I am not a Muslim, but it is of utmost importance to love our brothers and sisters and understand them, rather than stereotype them because of "red-flag" words. Just something to think about... p.s. i don't know why my post's fonts are messed up and i can't make paragraphs...if someone could help me with this, i'd greatly appreciate it...thanks...

a look inside

so today, i woke up just like any other day: rolled out of bed 20 minutes before my first class, threw some clothes on (and kept some that were already matted to me from the day before -__- ), went to the bathroom to make sure my hair didn't look like i just got out of bed, only to put a hat over my head to avoid any chance of being spotted as a non-showerer-in-the-morninger. but as i got down my stairs feeling tired/depressed/not wanting to go to school, it went off in my mind "HEY" and then i said out loud, "HEY! YOU'RE NOT THAT TIRED. STOP ACTING DEPRESSED AND ENJOY TODAY." And really right after that, I felt different, more awake and more ready to actually smile today heh. I realize the first words i say during the day are mostly to other people after nearly half an hour of being awake. Really, i should have those words with myself, with God. beause then i dont fall into the machine of everyday living, or as dr. ben might call it man's "default." And this is just such a basic battle that makes such a big difference in the day. Why don't i want to be awake? why don't i want to live today? man...i realize life is so awesome; i should value every moment of it. it's sort of been on my mind for a while, and i guess im finally glad that it was manifest in some form of action today. but i've been thinking a lot these past few weeks about my soul, because of our sunday service messages. my soul is something that God owns. and really, when i pray/commune with God, its soul with soul, spirit with spirit. what i really am is a soul encased in a fleshly body. but when i come face to face with God, it will be my soul, and i will be asked to bring an account of my life as a soul who just happened to be stationed on earth for a few years. in one message, we heard about God planting a vineyard. and the vineyard isn't just Israel or the world, but it's my very soul too. and he expects it to bear good fruit. he has every reason to. after all, he built it with the best stuff (and even got rid of the crumby stuff too, see Isa 5:2). so i shouldn't live with such a dumb attitude. wow, i'm alive, and with God i can live it in the best way with the best soul. man...in light of God, i've really got to start enjoying life, and for the simple fact that there is too much of God not to enjoy. i can't ignore Him.

food that endures

jn 6:22-9 daily bread today was something i needed to hear. i've been reminded of it by friends, especially when i've felt so stressed out with school that I feel powerless to do anything else. i just wind up sleeping or getting upset at people. ouch. But it's become clearer to me that Jesus doesn't want me to live like this, so focused on the material, the immediate, the now: my circumstances. All of this is food that spoils, so why do i get so bent out of shape about it, meanwhile forgetting about the one food that lasts forever? Jesus is the bread of life, not the bread of grades or accomplishments. I was so blessed to sit down and take a look at our ubf website today to receive this this morning. I didn't even want to; i was trying to review my cancer pathogenesis notes this morning, and hopefully--which i never wind up doing by the end of the day--turn to God later. But then He just gets replaced by something else, and another day, another lack of time or care for God. But thankfully, so thankfully, God drew me to Him today. Yesterday was bad, many previously have been bad too. But today will be different. i prayed and begged God that i might stand in his presence today and seek his true pleasure, not giving my heart away to girls or lewd music or poker or even too much school for that matter. But to stand before him and fix my eyes on him, seeking food that endures to eternal life: the pleasure of God. And what more could i ask for? "I am God Almighty; walk before me and be blameless ."

mothers

it's weird that i'm doing this now, when i feel more stressed than ever, but i really think this was put on my heart today while i was riding the train. ever wonder how bizzarely wonderful a family is? i guess especially for me, it's just me and my mom. this is the one person on earth who i can go to and always feel loved--the person who houses me, feeds me, takes care of me, talks to me and provides for me. if i were to go to some stranger's house, they would think im some total weirdo and close the door. but when i go home, my mom doesn't think it's weird that i'm there. when i think about it, we're just two souls of the many billions on this planet. we could be thousands of miles apart and feel like strangers in the world. yet when we are together, we know each other and love each other as if we were the only ones that mattered to us. it's that special bond that i have with no one else in the entire world. i know it seems so obvious, but it meant so much more to me today. maybe it's because i realize that i need her more now than ever before. maybe it's because i realize more of the sacrifice she made for her only child as a widowed mother with not much money. maybe it's because i continue to realize that she loves me more than i think. but when's the last time i've stopped and taken a step back in the moment and realized what she means to me, and how she tries to love me? i need to give my mother more attention... mom, i love you

summer has come and passed...

as summer has come to a close, i've been wanting to write some reflections about it. summers have been the worst time of the year for me during college, since they always just being wasted time. last summer i studied for the mcat, but yet not taking it at the end of the summer; the summer before that, i rotted at home and became one of the many slaves of mike at vega--"training"--trading. i hoped that this summer would somehow be better, but i had no idea how. it came to mind to go somewhere during the summer and use my time in some ministry, and perhaps do some service or study a language. after talking with a lot of different people, like james kim, maria westerhoff, dr. joe ahn, pr. ron, and richard, i thought i would go to one of two places. eventually, pr. ron thought it would be best to go to mongolia. "hmm...great...some of my friends have been there and have all had really good experiences," i thought. but yet, i still felt unsettled. "what am i doing? where am i going...in life?" and so the time ticked down as the semester was soon ending. and yet i didn't have a clear decision/clear direction to go. and so i prayed and prayed about what to do over the summer. going abroad to another ministry seemed the easy holy choice, but was it for me? inside, it felt like i was running away from things--running away from finding personal independence, running away from the intimidating job market that i had never been a part of, running away from working out at a gym, and running away from a struggling fellowship and ministry. and as i prepared a bible study for one of our last club meetigs at school, it felt like God was telling me to do the one thing i thought he'd never say: "stay here." as sarah w. would soonafter quip, "instead of going to mongolia, you decided to work at Potbelly's(i thought about applying there)???" At the time i winced inside, but i still believed it was the right decision. and so i prayed about finding a job. and not just any job: one that would help me get out of my introvertedness and help me talk and meet people. where could i do that? Starbucks. but i've never had a job before. my application sucks. all my references are from church!! but, i prayed with a specific prayer topic. and God answered. when i went there, they said that they had rejected me....it turned out they weren't even looking at the right application. and so without even really looking at my application, they offered me an interview that week. and within hours after the interview, they called me and said i got the job. praise God. and so work began. sometimes as early as 4:30am, sometimes as late as 12:45am. and i started getting money that i could use, whether to get a few badly-needed things for myself, or gifts for those special someones in my life (well, for those in chicago at least. sorry non-chicagoans..you'll get yours :P) it was really hard, though. and i got trained even in the small things like arriving on time, sweeping, mopping, encouraging, smiling, co-operating, folding an apron. and so God helped me in so many ways to be more independent and confident in him. and he helped me pay attention to the small, intimate details of life that i so often just overlooked as no big deal, when in fact they mean so much. and so one set of life problems overcome.... but spiritual as well, i still had a lot of time on my hands, and there's someone who knows how to use idle hands for not-so-good things. and i had plenty of failures. but i also had victories. i got to read a lot, digging into the bible with How to Read the Bible for all its Worth; humbing myself before God in My Utmost for His Highest; learning how to pray with Power Through Prayer; and struggling intensely with Oswald Chambers' Studies in the Sermon on the Mount. these books helped me in a lot of different ways, and i came to appreciate much more the intimate times i could have with God "in the secret, in the quiet place. in the stillness...". during the summer i had a message to write on the end of the sermon on the mount. and it felt like i got hit from so many different angles. i felt compelled to fast for the message, so i did mondays and fridays, the beginning and ending of my week. working at starbucks made it hard, but God helped me remain faithful. and so i just prayed for the message. during this month or so, i met two people who needed help because they were in a financial problem because of unemployment and a recent move, and one of them was on dialysis. and supporting them for a while became very painful. it was hard to keep going on. and even though the money was hard, the hardest part was i felt like i was being used. but yet, even still, in obedience to Jesus i helped them (mt 5:42). God eventually ended it, i believe, but i got a glimpse into the heart of Jesus through it. how he must have felt, helping and ministering to people who would use him, betray him and kill him. if Jesus never helped the unworhty and the ungrateful, i would never have found his grace. but i thank God that he was mindful of me and gave his grace to me unconditionally. amen. and so i prayed for the message, not that i would have the greatest message, but that God would actually speak. i realized that no matter how great my message is written, how sound it is, how mellifluous the words are, it doesn't matter. the work of the message is not my work, no matter what i do. the real fruit lies in the work of the Holy Spirit, which i continually asked to be present. if only i could be a pure pipeline for God's message to flow through. if only he could purify my vocal chords, that he may speak! and that is how i prayed, and i believe God answered. that night of the conference was so blessed, and it seemed like many people received the message with great joy. and so the mcat was the last big hurdle of mine. i didn't think i'd ever be prepared for it. and when i took it, it didn't feel like i really did that well. but i took it, and God helped me do another thing that i never though i'd be able to do. and even though i'm unsure about my future at this point, i just want God to lead. i'm too weak to do anything on my own, but he knows what is best for me and will bring it to realization. God has helped me climb many mountains, and there are many bigger ones ahead that i believe he will help me climb. so that's been my summer. i still have many more things to resolve and overcome in my life, and i'm by no means perfect. but God has been faithful to me, and i rejoice in his goodness. amen. God bless you guys, brendan